News From The Woods - February 20, 2002

NEWS FROM THE WOODS

By Bob Ketchum

Originally Published February 20, 2002


"Redneck Humor"


Living here in the Ozarks has its advantages and it's disadvantages. On the plus side we have clean air and fresh water aplenty and it's a great place to get back to nature (if you ever left it). Hardly anyone rushes to do anything, as life's clockwork moves at a slower pace. Neighbors tend to be more friendly and outgoing. The cost of living is for the most part lower. It is a photographer's paradise. Nature lovers thrive here. I have a 500+ mile shoreline freshwater lake in my backyard. Less than twenty miles away is the world famous trout waters of the beautiful White River. Thanks to Wal Mart we have most of the general shopping conveniences of a larger city. We have franchised eating establishments to satisfy any appetite. We also have one of the finest medical communities in this region of the country. Crime is less prevalent compared to a city or metropolitan area.

On the minus side, access to the arts is at a bare minimum. There are no museums, nor is there any major venue to attract touring music concerts. Anyone craving urban excitement will be bored in short order. High School education is adequate but not outstanding. Shopaholics with a purse full of plastic will be disappointed unless they like to go to garage sales and knick-knack antique shops. There is not a lot of area for hi-tech business opportunities. This is not a place to stage a Power Lunch. You can't land your corporate jet on our runways.

All in all, it's not really a bad trade off. I am not only content to live here but have chosen to raise my own family here, and hope they learn the same family values and morals that I was lucky enough to learn by growing up here. Of course, the big stigma as far as I am concerned is the way outsiders perceive us here in the Arkansas hills. Thanks to cartoon characters like Snuffy Smith, Lil' Abner, and Bill Clinton, we have for generations been thought of as illiterate and shoeless hillbillies. You know………… REDNECKS!

Through the years I have been accused of being a "hick", "hillbilly", "Gomer" and "redneck". Most of the time it's been good-natured leg pulling, but occasionally I have been the recipient of snide comments meant to get my dander up. I always disappoint my foe as I not only dismiss such comments with a shrug but actually thrive on the attention and sometimes even proudly announce my heritage to all. Such is the case with my Internet radio station, where I am known as the "HiTech Redneck".

I have been sent every conceivable email attachment that deals with redneck humor, and been the brunt of many redneck aspersions on several mailing lists. I find humor in even the most degrading slurs, simply because I know most of these people have never visited our fair state and seen the beauty and serene majesty of Gods handy work. Nor are they aware of our good natured and close-knit neighbor relationships. Nevertheless, my friends can't resist the temptation to poke fun at me.

So...... In the interests of furthering the redneck VS. Rest-of-the-world relationship, I now hereby display some of my favorite redneck jokes and images. This is also a way to tell my friends "Don't send me these anymore, I've already seen 'em ".


REDNECK CENSUS FORM

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name:

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Number of road kills presently in your freezer?
[ ] 3
[ ] 5
[ ] 10 or more

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Asphalt................... Describes rectal problems.
Condom.....................A large apartment.
Genitals...................People of non-Jewish descent.
Diaphragm..................A drawing in Geometry.
Fetus......................A character on Gunsmoke.
Erection...................When Japanese people vote.
Benign.....................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...........A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan....................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..................... A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D & C......................Where Washington is.
Dilate.................... To live long.
Enema......................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....................A small lie.
G.I. Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.....................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.....................Damn near killed him.
Secretion..................Hiding something.
Seizure....................Roman emperor.
Tablet.....................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor......................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose...................Near by/close by.

Redneck HMO plan - - -

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Bubba" from Roto-Rooter.
Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."
Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m's" on them.
You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape

REDNECK HOROSCOPE

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

REDNECK ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

REDNECK COLLEGE EXAM

Instructions: Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 3 weeks.
Begin immediately.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR give the first name of Bill Clinton.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion: how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the American National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most Florida oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. IF you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS

Name:_______________________________________________________________
Nickname:___________________________ CB Handle:____________________
Address (RFD):______________________________________________________
Daddy (if unknown afix list of 3 suspects):_________________________
Neck size:____ [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red [] Other
Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_______ Upper:_____ Lower:____
Make of Pickup:_________________________ Tire Size:_________________
Hounds:_____________ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Beagle [] Black and Tan
Length of right leg:__________ Length of left leg:__________ other:_________
How many cars/makes in front yard? _________________________________
How many on blocks? ________________________________________________
How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ________________________
back porch? _________________________
When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _______________________________________________________________________
Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags? [] Yes [] No
Are you married to any of the following? (circle all that apply) -Sister -Cousin -Cousin's Sister -Other, Explain:____________________________________________________
Have you EVER had more than one bath a week? [] No [] Yes, Explain:___________________________________________

*Medical Information* Do you have at least two (2) of the following:
[] B.O. [] Lice [] Crabs [] Bad Breath [] Hoof in Mouth [] Scabs [] Fleas [] Infected Tatoos [] Crossed eyes [] Runny Nose [] Green Teeth [] Yellow Teeth [] Any Teeth [] Speach Impediment

*General Information* Can you count past 20 without stripping?
[] yes [] no [] never tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin' [] Coon Huntin' [] Fishin' [] Fuedin'[]

Other Truck equipped with: [] Gun Rack [] Fuzzbuster [] 8-Track [] Rebel Flag [] Roll Bar [] C.B. Radio [] Beer Cans [] Squirrel Tail [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist: [] Elvis (the young Elvis) [] Elvis (the old Elvis) [] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [] John Deere [] CAT [] SKOAL [] Budweiser [] Bud Dry [] Jack Daniels [] Teamsters local Merberships: [] NRA [] VFW [] KKK [] 700 Club [] B.P.O.E. [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote? [] Yes [] No [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail? [] Yes [] No [] Born there

Your Signature (one X will do):____________________________Date:_____

REDNECK TECHNOLOGY

How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya'll" or "Hey Bubba"

LOG ON Makin' the stove hotter
LOG OFF Cool 'er down
MONITOR Keep an eye on 'er
DOWNLOAD Getting' the farwood off'n the truck
MEGA HERTZ When your not kerful getting' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC Whatcha git fer tottin' too much farwood
RAM That thar thing what splits farwood
HARD DRIVE Getting' home in the winter time
WINDOWS What ta shut when its cold outside
SCREEN What ta shut when it's black fly season
BYTE What dem dang flys do
CHIP Munchies fer the TV
MICRO-CHIP What's in the bottom of the bag
MODEM Whutcha do to tha hay fields
LAPTOP Where the kitty naps
KEYBOARD Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE Them thar plastic forks n' knives
MOUSE Whut eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD Hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
MAINFRAME Holds up the barn roof
PORT Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER How ya' git in the house
CLICK What ya hear when ya cock yer shotgun
DOUBLE-CLICK Double-barreled
REBOOT What ya have to do before bedtime when ya' have to go to the outhouse

A Computer Is Owned By A Redneck If...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deer Pocket Protectors.

REDNECK ENGINEERING EXAMINATION

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb. possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) 66 Ford Fairlane B) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) 64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2 ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates as an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountain side?

HICKBONICS

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or "Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English Dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Hillbilly boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat Tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah..haze ignert. He ain't thanked in yars."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

Okay. Most of you know how sick I am, so now I will prove it! I found a website which is perfect for using to cruise through my website. You all know we reside here in Arkansas, but a lot of email I get gives me the impression that something's missing. Well, I think I know what it is! The grammar, spelling, and punctuation is too good to be originating from the Ozarks! So NOW, I can remedy that situation. As an example, first you need to use your "cut & paste" function (for PC's it's "Ctrl/c") and CUT this URL address (located at the top of your browser where it says "location". Next, go to http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/ and in the window that tells you to "Dialectize a Web Page", then PASTE ("Ctrl/v) the URL address to this page in the window. Hit the ENTER button or the "Dialectize!" button on the screen. Now you can read this page the way it would appear if written by a REDNECK! This is perfect (and damned FUNNY) to read all about the goins' on here in the woods!

OR - - - To put it another way (In REDNECK):

Okay. Most of yo' knows how sick ah's, so now ah will prove it! Fry mah hide! ah have recently foun' a website which is puffick fo' usin' t'cruise through mah website. Yo' all knows we reside hyar in Arkansas, but a lot of email ah git gives me th' impresshun thet sumpin's missin'. Wal, ah reckon ah knows whut it is! Th' grammar, spellin', an' punckuashun is too fine t'be origeenatin' fum th' Ozarks! So NOW, ah can remedy thet situashun. As an example, fust yo' need t'use yer "cut & paste" funckshun (fo' PC's it's "Ctrl/c") an' CUT this hyar URL address (located at th' top of yer browser whar it says "locashun". Next, hoof it to http://www.rinkwawks.com/dialeck/ an' in th' window thet tells yo' t'"Dialeckize a Web Page", then PASTE ("Ctrl/v) th' URL address to this page in th' window. Hit th' ENTER button o' th' "Dialeckize!" button on th' screen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Now yo' kin read this page th' way it'd appear eff'n writ by a REDNECK! Fry mah hide! This hyar is puffick (an' dadburned FUNNY) t'read all about th' goins' on hyar in th' woods!

Subject: Things you should know about Arkansas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
There are 5,000 types of SNAKES and 4,998 live in Arkansas.
There are 10,000 types of SPIDERS. All 10,000 live in Arkansas, plus a couple no one's seen before.
Possums will eat anything.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around their house.
You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Arkansas has 5 seasons:
Spring, Feb 16 to April 15
Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
SUPER Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1
Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15
The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until June 25, then it stops totally until Oct 2.

Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
Coldbeer is one word.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Arkansawers really don't have an accent.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.
Fixinto is one word.
A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.
The word dinner is confusing. There's only lunch and then there's supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.
Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

As If that wasn't enough....More Arkansasisms:

You (we) know you're from Arkansas if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car .. for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
12. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
13. The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
15. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."
16. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and winter
17. You know whether another Arkansawer is from east, west, north or south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
18. There is a Sonic in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
19. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
22. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Arkansas

And now, my own contribution to the REDNECK CULTURE:

REDNECK WEIGHTS AND MEASURES TEST

Is a well digger's ass measured in farenheight or centigrade?
What does a woodchuck do with all that wood?
How much is a heap of trouble?
How long is a coon's age?
Convert a month of Sundays into real time
Exactly how long in "nigh onto"?
How many blue moons occur in a year?
How is a "passel" measured?
Why are crows more precise at flying ?
How far is a yonder?
How do you gauge the dumbness of a post?
Is there an odor to a "Low Heaven" ?
What does Cooter Brown gauge on his sobriety test?
What is the calibration setting of frog hair on a micrometer?
How much does a bucket of tears weigh?

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST.......

According to Jeff Foxworthy, You might be a redneck if:

You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck. Your kid calls your sister, mom. You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over. You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster. You've ever tried to drown a fish. You buy your jewelry at the hardware store. You drink Labatt 50 You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom. Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?" Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo. You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home. You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!" You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line." You actually like Spam. Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house. You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk. Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs. The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old. You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house. You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word. Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend. You mistake the offering plate for a spit can. You go to church to pick up women. You bring your dog with you to church. You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar. You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener. Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise. You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in. Your house gets picked up every week. If bar-b-que is a daily thing. You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house. You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug. You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio. You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse. You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house. You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions. You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature. You break wind in public and blame it on your kid. You've ever valet parked a snowplow. You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them. You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company. You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party. You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies. There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block. You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table. The strongest smell in your house is butane. Your dog passes gas and you claim it. You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man. You think paprika is a Third World country. You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?" You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high. You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre. You played the banjo in your high school band. The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway. You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland. You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month. Birds are attracted to your beard. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute." Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Bikers back down from your momma. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. You clean your nails with a stick. You prefer car keys to a Q-tip. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car. Your Christmas tree is still up in March. You've ever been arrested for loitering. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Fewer than half of your cars run. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. You're an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" Your family tree does not fork. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!" There is a gun rack on your bicycle. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires. Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping. You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley. You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House. Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner. You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income. You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest." You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You've never paid for a haircut. You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood." You've ever made change in the offering plate. The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year." You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve. You own at least 20 baseball caps. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Your screen door has no screen. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house. The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like. You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something. You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You." You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.) You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded. During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..." You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Your masseuse uses lard. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You use your fishing license as a form of ID On stage night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse. Your back porch is bigger than your house. You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital. Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence. Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read. You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise. You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors. Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade. You've ever been too drunk to fish. Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them. You smoked during your wedding. People ask to hunt in your front yard. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting. Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it. Your satellite dish is bigger than your house. Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife. You've ever driven a tractor to school. Your high school prom had a day care center. You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet. There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home. Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards. You had a necklace made from a beer tab. Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space. You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill. If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from the TV show Dukes of Hazard. If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started. If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting. If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry. If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb. If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room. If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front yard. If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it. If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen. If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally. If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house. If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter. If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all of your cars. If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party. If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?" If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door. If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis. If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station. If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket. If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer. If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously. If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff Foxworthy. If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat. If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first). You think going formal is wearing your good overalls. You own the big truck that transports trailer homes. Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load." Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill. Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table. You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax. Everyday at your house is a family reunion. You have your own dog kennel in your back yard. You've found every one of your pets. You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper. The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle." You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. You call rust a quality paint job. If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time. Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor. You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You swerve to hit a deer. You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut. Your momma and your dog bathe together. The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom. You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY. Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road. You use a tire for a sled. Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches. You got married at a monster truck rally. Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table. Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe. You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom. You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat. You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass. You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it. You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink. You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow. You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen. If your house and your barn are the same building. If your best crystal used to contain snuff. You consider muskrat a gourmet food. Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard. You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do. You take spurs to show off at your local public school. Your toenails curl before you cut them. Socks in bed turn you on. You think a sieve is part of your shirt. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart. You took a beer to a job interview. You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders. Your mom is the man of the house. You wear a bra under a strapless dress. If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash. Your dad and your tires are both bald. Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles. Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck. You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat. Your tractor hat and coat are the same color. Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop. You think straight D's is the honor roll. You think payday is when the welfare check comes. You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time. When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife. You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte. The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer. If you have to mow your driveway. You own any willow furniture you made yourself. You have a collar and your dog doesn't. You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's. Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed. You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags. If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch". If your backyard looks like a junkyard. You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole family. You think tractor pulling should be the national sport. Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade. You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview. You ask for all your teeth for Christmas. If your momma's beard is thicker than yours. You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat. Everyone you know has more than one first name. You ever made change in the offering plate. Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth. You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your Engines". Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison. You think Dr. School is a miracle worker. You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck. You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans. Someone asks you the time and you say "January". You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard. Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch. You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom. The only gold you own is in your mouth. You're related to everyone at the high school reunion. You are the state cow tipping champ. Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog. You consider a six-pack life support. You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day. Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere. Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before. Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog. You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network. You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it. You think a goat is an indoor animal. You've ever financed a tattoo. Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting. The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house. Your family tree forms a wreath. If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house. You mow your front lawn and discover five cars. People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale. You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail. You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related. Your family tree doesn't branch. You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck. If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth. You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding. Your wife has to shave more than you do. If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry. You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower. Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby. You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification. You and the game warden are on a first name basis. Your garage looks better than your house. Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally. You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet. Your clothes are older than you. You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't. You would give up your house instead of our boat. The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test. If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard. You use more duct tape than common sense. You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld. You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories. You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer. Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils. Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do. Your house has taillights but your car doesn't. "Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary. You and your dog share the same name. The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house. Your family tree consists of you and your dog. Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy. Your house is on wheels and your car isn't. Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain. Your dog weighs more than you do. You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart. You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath. You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital. You think harass is two words. After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin. You take notes while watching The Three Stooges. Your new car is a John Deere. You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took. While raking leave you fall out of the tree. Your truck is higher than your house. You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph. You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice. You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard. You go to a family reunion to meet women. You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures. You are offended by these jokes. The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER. Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language. You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in. You think a quarterback is a refund. You were born on a pool table. Truck drivers tell your mom to watch her language. Your porch falls off and more than two dogs die. Your living room wall has the flood history. You get detention in school for catching a bigger fish than the principal catches on the day you both skipped. You consider Rambo a classic. You think, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" is part of the National Anthem. The word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows. At home you have to wipe your feet to go outside. You have to take your house to the body shop after a hailstorm. If your vehicle has a nickname that ends with "Lou". If you spend more at Christmas on your huntin' dog than your family. Your family tree doesn't You trip over the cord of a cordless phone. You go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church. The employees of the local Wal Mart know you by name. Your tan line starts at your eyebrows and ends at your shirt collar. Your Lazy Boy has a gun rack mounted on it. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws. Your house has no curtains but your truck does. Calling your closest neighbor on the phone is long distance. You went to a huntin' camp on your honeymoon. You told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room. Hitting an animal with your truck means getting a new coat. When asked your tooth color on a application, you state "Not Applicable". You ever held a family reunion in jail. You have legally changed your name to "Current Resident" in a sorry attempt to get more mail. You prefer calling your sister Hun. If the garbage men don't know what to take or what to leave. If you believe God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr. You bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work. Your house pets include any form of livestock. You consider a night at the rodeo a romantic evening. Your blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ Your wife has a beard and you don't. You leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa. Your bridal registry was the local bait shop. Your spare tire is a cement block. Your truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't. You identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil. Your coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding. You're not sure of the true color of your pickup. Your kid's first words were paper or plastic. All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones. T There are more than four cats living in your garage. Your mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket. Your mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father. You put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table. You try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles. You put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself. You've never slept with your boots off. You go turkey hunting for hat decorations. Your car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in. You purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a overpass. You know more that 10 slang words for "breast." You serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner. You ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party. Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk. You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester when always be "in." You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football. Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot. Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine. You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement. You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff. You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants. You've never seen a film with subtitles. You must go through more than two gates to get to your house. You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles. Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines. You've ever been hunting on a tractor. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club." You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction. Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet. Your primary income involves pigs or manure. You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow. You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house. You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt. You follow the tractor pull circuit. Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside. Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers. The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys. You have ever made a frog-gigging spear. You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin. Your tires are worth more than your truck. Your spare tire is a cement block. You use Armor-All on your leather jacket. You own a denim leisure suit. Your coat of arms features a tire iron. You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs. Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties. You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups. You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register. You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes. You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability. Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people. You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill. You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell. People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood. Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline. You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs. The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush. Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp. All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes. You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on. You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. You ever get dog hair from your belly button. You ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box. You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks. You have ever injured yourself lighting farts. You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper. You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car. You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots. You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures. You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister. Your eye color on your driver's license in red. You judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring. You ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess. You think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport. You have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open. Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends. Your idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab. You have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day. Your best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it. You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet. You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed." You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard. Your boots cost more than your wedding ring. You've ever vacationed in a rest area. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. You own a homemade fur coat. Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids." You've ever given rat traps as gifts. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You've ever bought a used cap. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. People hear your car a long time before they see it. You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car. You have a rag for a gas cap. You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. All of your four letter words are two syllables. You cut your toenails in front of company. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year. You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce. You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary. You've ever vacationed in a rest area. You proposed in a Denny's. The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door. You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon. You think "Chablis" is the name of last months Playboy centerfold. You save cooking grease in a coffee can. You inherited a Styrofoam cooler. There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents. Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. You've ever had to move a car seat to make love. You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs. Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it. You don't have a home phone. You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early. You think "trash TV" is something in your back yard. Stealing road signs is a family outing. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you. Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You think "megabytes" means a good day fishing. You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store. Your deer stand has an address. You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own. You think a lavatory is a breed of dog. You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery. You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle. You use old auto parts as a boat anchor. Your pickup truck and wife are the same age. Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off. You've ever given livestock as a wedding present. You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake. People hear your car a long time before they see it. Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family. Your bridal veil was made of window screen. You call your boss, "dude." You repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house. You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag. You think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis. You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress. Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler. You think ribs come from Europe. Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down. The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement. Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budweiser and a mechanical bull. You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn. The Marlboro man is your idol. You see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is. You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it. You've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour. You've ever fished from over a fence. You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in. Your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test. You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep. You keep catfish in your aquarium. You think truffles are a brand of potato chips. You've ever bought a used cap. You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song. You currently drive a car with "In Tow" painted across the back. Your dog has puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. You think wild turkey should be the national bird. Your truck sits so high that you can see in a second floor window. You brag that you can chug a beer in three seconds instead of five because of the new wide-mouth cans. You name the pick of the litter after your wife to show your affection. Normal people have Kodak™ moments but you have Kodiak™ moments. You consider the tractor your 'good' car. You leave the dumpster with more stuff than you came with. You ever went to Walmart to freshen up for a date. You got cable just for TNN. After dinner you have Pixy Sticks and the height of the evening is comparing tongue colors. Speling ant tha eazist thang you evar tryed. You find automatic transmissions confusing. You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell. Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack. You snorkel in a waterbed. You have more gas than your car. The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary. You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest. You have more hair on your back than on your head. You have baby ostriches living on your back porch. Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck. Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large." Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van. You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing. You shave your cat to put hair on your head. You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale. You use your bowling bag as a suitcase. Your cabinet doubles as a guest room. Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend. You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip. Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down. Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up. You think NASCAR is better than sex. The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name. You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee. If your mower has more miles than your car. Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it. Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew. Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern. You think people who have electricity are uppity. You know how to milk a goat. You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower. Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum. You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal." Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night. You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard. You've ever named a child for a good dog. There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline. Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week." You don't need a clean shirt to go to work. You bum a dip from your mother. You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer. Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo. You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show. You've ever attended a dance at the bus station. Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed. You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets. You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken. You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product. You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes. You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV. Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car. The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box. The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts. You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it. Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section. Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest. Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries. It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test. You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw. You cut your toenails in front of company. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6. You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide. You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover. You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband. You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted." You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes. The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name. Your car has more than two exhaust pipes. People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business. Your house plants aren't in pots. You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral. Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror. You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall. Making beer is a neighborhood project. You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer. There is a restraining order on your pets. You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard. Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it. Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car. Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor. You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants. In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern. You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job. One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer. You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone. You were expelled from summer school. You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup. You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops. Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans. You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores. Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck. You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives. You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address. You have a grave in your front yard. You've ever stolen toilet paper. You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding. Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's. You wake up in the morning already dressed for work. You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage. Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts. You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco. You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle. You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle. You screen door has no screen. You open beer bottles with your belt buckle. You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course. There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it. You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space. Your church has a "happy hour." Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company. The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap. You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing. Your pickup truck used to be a car. Your favorite fishing lure is TNT. Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars. You stockpile pork and beans. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born. You spit on your own floor. You use baling wire to keep your car door closed. Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween. You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker. Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies. You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say " Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

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